Don't Leave Home Without It.

I had a commercial audition for the above company.

The star is this guy

When I got the call from the casting director I have to admit I was sooo stoked.

To quote my dear friend Dup, "I began smelling the money". I imagined how M. Night Shyamalan and I would hit it off.

I started to think of things to say about his movies. Just so we would have something to talk about. I would say something weirdly witty that would take him by surprise. We would get to laughing and the Casting Director would say something like, "OK guys lets focus up here."

Well, guess what.

M. Night wasn't there.

Instead....I went into a small room with an older gentleman(nothing close to M. Night) that has been around the block and was more than happy to offer me acting tips. Like don't forget to smile when you slate. "They like that."

SWEET! thanks pops. I got it.

The set up is this....

OH WAIT! there is no set up.

CD(casting director): There are no sides. We just want you to improvise.

me: Great. (Cool. I feel comfortable with just being myself.....)

CD: Just stand behind him and when I hit the wall look at him.

me: ok. (WHAT THE ?!#$*)

CD: Like you are his angel.

me: sure. (Yeah. It's all clear now.)

CD hits the table which barely makes a dull thud, slowly pan over the man's shoulder and smile at him as if everything is alright.

?????

CD: Lets do it one more time and this time look straight down at him from above.

me: alright (Get me out of here!)

same dull thud this time on a wall. looked straight down but since I am short couldn't see the guy's eyes at all. Just "acted" to his forehead.

NICE.

CD: Great. Thanks.

me: Thanks! (what just happened?)

oh lord.

can't wait to meet M. Night!

Muchas Gracias

This is still how I feel everytime I walk into my home cleaned by maids.
It was worth every shameful moment.
At least until next time....

The Adventures of Delmy and Stella

So, for the holidays my man and i decided to for-go the gifts and
get each other maid service every 2 weeks for the rest of the year.
AWESOME!!!
I began scouring the neighborhood lamp posts and
grocery store bulletin boards for flyers.
After I had a collection of about 4...it was time to price them out.
I have never done this before and I should tell you
that it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
The idea of paying a stranger to come into our one bedroom apartment
and clean all the private nooks and crannies of our home,
made me a bit squeamish.
Not to mention the white liberal guilt and just the feeling like
"What the hell! I am an adult. I should be able to clean up after myself."
But that is all in the past.
I called each number and at the end of the line was a super sweet woman
that didn't speak my language and I regretfully did not speak theirs.
I found myself shouting like my mother.

The way she shouts when she thinks people can't understand her and this will clear things up and I roll my ideas and nudge her in the arm and say,
" MOM! Knock it off. They don't speak English, it's not like they are deaf."

After a bit of fumbling, I decided on
a lovely woman named Delmy and her sister Stella.
(I would like to comment on Stella's demeanor
but she speaks no English and I have never met her,
so I have no clue what she is like. )
GREAT!
They are scheduled to come every other Saturday beginning Jan. 7th.
My plan is in motion.
Tonight I will clean up for the cleaning ladies.
Do the dishes,
hang up the clothes,
put away all the books and magazines and random scraps of life that have accumulated.

Cut to this morning.
Walking to the train.
Jamming along to The Shins.
My cell phone starts buzzing.
Don't recognize the number. Let it go to voicemail.
Check the message and it sounds something like this.
"hello, this delmy.
no come tomorrow. sister and me come in 2 hours.
thank you. bye."
WHAT?!?!
I frantically call my man.
I tell him, "I think that Delmy and her sister are coming to the house in 2 hours to clean the house. I could be wrong, I'm not sure actually but will you do the dishes, clean the litter box...just do what you can."

When I get to work I give him a call to check on his progress
and they are already THERE!!!!!
scrubbing on their hands and knees,
getting in all the nooks and crannies.
All I could think was
JESUS! don't let them go in the bathroom.
that place is a mess!

They are still cleaning as I write this.
I am so anxious right now, all I can do is ramble.
I know this is what I am paying them to do
but I just wish I could give them so much more
to make up for my inadequacies as an adult.

The price of clean is high my friend.